film · film review · film reviews · I haven't seen

I Haven’t Seen: Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla Film Review

I love over the top hammy monster/robot movies. At times they can be entertaining with a gripping storyline or just so bad it’s good comedy. Most of the times, they don’t take themselves too seriously, and it’s great way to make a boring day into a fantastic one with a couple of drinks with some friends. And the more friends they are, the better. Well, after a night of partying with strippers and cocaine (I’m just kidding, I sang ‘Gangsters Paradise and I drank Southern Comfort straight much to the respect of the men sitting beside me), my boyfriend and I wanted to spend the next day in before Monday started. We’ve both never seen Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla and we were excited to be amused of how bad it was.

And honestly, this was just bad.

The editing was all over the place. It’s as if it were edited by someone who started writing the scene and just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. As if they to, didn’t believe in this crap. I only wish I could demonstrate my point, but I can’t find any good clips on YouTube.

This was the most terrifyingly cute thing I think I’ve ever seen.

The plot was really confusing and too complicated. In fact, the first thirty to forty minutes was spent with most of the human characters talking about Godzilla and SpaceGodzilla so much that it was becoming tedious. I started doing the fascinating activity of deleting spam from my email to keep myself occupied and awake. Evidently, it didn’t work.

So, the long story short is, this team plans to plant a mind control chip on the back of Godzilla’s head using Baby Godzilla as bait. Meanwhile, The Cosmos, Mothra’s twin priestesses warn psychic Miki Saegusa about SpaceGodzilla’s arrival. SpaceGodzilla lands and traps Baby Godzilla in a crystal palace and it’s up to Godzilla to stop SpaceGodzilla. Then what follows is something about the Yakuza taking Miki for some reason, the scientist find out SpaceGodzilla is going to harvest the energy of the planet and kill it and that’s when I fell asleep.

I assume, Godzilla smacked the crap out of SpaceGodzilla, knocked over a few buildings, show off the best/cheapest special effects 1994 could buy and Godzilla walks into the sea. Something like that. I’m making a guess. Everyone cheers, fade to black, credits with decent Japanese music. Am I right? Let me know.

This is a never before seen representation of me flirting. 

The fight scenes were fairly entertaining, and there was some moments of unintentional comedy (mostly from my heckling) that made it enjoyable for a moment. But it was a chore to get part of the way through this. Obviously, I didn’t enjoy it. I haven’t seen all the Godzilla Heisei films, but if I ever decide to marathon through it, this will definitely get a pass.

The only thing that was epic about this was the amazing Japanese cover art. It’s just boring, and I’m done talking about it.


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